All Good Things Must Come to an End

This will be my last post here as well. Maybe someday I will blog again, but for now I've lost my voice. Thank you for following me. I've enjoyed it and I hope you did too.

This, That , and Another Thing

Don't faint. I'm actually blogging here today. First, I wanted to let you know about a very interesting book that I just finished, The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. It's about Hela cells. These cells have changed the world of medicine in the past 60 years. If you choose to read it you may be horrified at some of our medical history.

I also wanted to share the fact that beautiful fall is taking over here in the Ozarks. I have tried to get a good picture but they all fall (pardon the pun) short of what I'm looking for. Above is a picture of my lunch companion on Thursday. I sat by the pond at the cemetery to eat my soup and neglected to bring bread. Well, you can tell by the look on my companions face that is just not acceptable! And yes, it was that close to me along with about a dozen others. I did have a moment of fear that they were going to take a nip at me. Fall is so beautiful here. It's like someone has taken greens, reds, oranges, yellows and browns and splattered them around. There are always a few trees that turn early and proudly display their grandeur. We got a great view as we drove back from Gladewater, TX yesterday. Please pray for the Shepard family and the loss of their mother and grandmother. I wish I would have gotten a chance to know Robbie Nell better. Many people spoke about how blessed they were by her. Enjoy the fall color! It goes away all too soon!

What gives me strength

I recently had the opportunity to hear someone define God's Grace. This individual's explanation so moved me that I have to share it with you along with how I personally have experienced this Grace.

"Grace is a mystery that is undefinable. It is God's pursuit of a relationship with us independent of anything we have or haven't done, good or bad. It is unearned and undeserved. It needs to be received and it can be resisted. In essence, we are only able to be in a relationship with God because He pursues us. His pursuit of us led Him to send and sacrifice His Son, even when we were uninterested in Him, therefore we can be assured that God is interested in us and will use any means possible to reach us. Grace is about God's benevolence toward us and it's about His presence with us in any and every situation."

To me the key in this quote is that "It needs to be received..." During Kristen's illness, I soon realized that I had absolutely no control. This disease was bigger than I could handle. I was out of my comfort zone and broken. As a Christian, I began to turn to God. I read a lot, requested prayer, and just allowed God to carry me. So I "received" the grace that God so lovingly wanted to give me. His Grace came through resources given me by Christian friends. It came from reading and re-reading my Bible. It came from conversations and prayers with our clergy. It came through the readers of the blog and their prayers. God's Grace was all around me. It continues to surround me and lift me up each day.

Are you receiving God's Grace or are you resisting it? God is in constant pursuit of us. (Let me clarify here that I do not believe God is responsible for Kristen's illness. That is a whole other conversation.) Through her illness God held out His hand to me and said, "May I?" I thank Him every day that I reached for His hand and said, "Yes, please!"

Take time to cry

I haven't really allowed myself to really let go since Kristen became so sick. I shed tears but force myself to rally. This morning I woke at 6 a.m., got my coffee, and picked up Kristen's laptop. My baby loves quotes. This summer she would save to a file quotes with pictures. I started going through them and sobbed. Her heart was right there on the screen...as told by the quotes. It was like hearing her talk. I had to smile at the totally crude ones that were so Kristen. Raw and uncut. I would cry at the poignant ones. Some showed a glimpse inside her heart where she doesn't let people go. Some were the dreams and desires she longed for. The one currently set as her backdrop says "I want to change the world...I think I can."

God, I want to talk to that girl. I want to hold her and look into her eyes. I want the tubes gone and I want to hear her tell me in a fit, "Do you really want to go there?" I want to fuss at her for driving to fast. I want to tell her how much I love her. How beautiful she is. I want to tease her for being such a drama queen. I just want her whole and well. I want to change places with her.

I pray for a miracle. I pray for God's perfect timing. Almost ever family in the ICU has a loved one with some type of fungal pneumonia. We've spoken a lot to the Higginbothom family. Jimbo has been in and out of the hospital for the past 9 and a half months. He is 46 and has 3 children back home. I think their ages are 19, 17, and 13. Two girls and a boy. We are not unique. Our pain is not unique. Our desires for healing are not unique.

Pray for us. Pray for God's grace and mercy to be with Kristen...and Jimbo. Most of all pray for God to show his power and might in healing. He can whisper arise and it can be. He knows ever cell in my baby girls body. He knit them together long ago. And He claimed her as his. A friend mentioned that Jesus not only bought her salvation on the cross but her healing. Claim the victory of the cross for Kristen. Claim the healing power.

Forgive me my rant. I write my feelings much better than I express them verbally. And as always, they ramble. :)

Guilt

Devin went up to see Kristen alone during the visiting hours last night. I had a bad episode yesterday morning and had trouble rallying for the rest of the day. When we came to the apartment for the evening shift change. (They encourage us to leave.)I fell asleep. It is amazing to me how draining emotions can be. I can only describe it as walking around in a fog. I feel guilt whenever I'm not with her. But guilt is an emotion that the evil one would like us to focus on instead of on love.

Kristen is somewhat conscience during the day. They try to keep her sedated over night and enough during the day that she doesn't try to rip out her O2 tube. She looked at me several times during the day yesterday. (That's why when I have an "episode", I leave the room.) I don't want one negative thought our emotion to transfer from me to her. I can tell that she responds to Devin and my voices. I also caught her twitching her foot a few times. For those of you who know her really well you know this is a nervous habit of hers.

Devin will do all the technical blogging on Kristen's site. I'm just going to let the feelings flow here. Please continue to email the verses, encouragement, or just an I love you. I tell Kristen about them each day. Her phone is off so you have to send them through me. Or Devin. If you don't have our main emails you can reach us at jblog2010@gmail.com .

As I read along in my Red Sea Rules:
1)Pray that God shows Kristen a way thru this.
2)That God be glorified in this trial.
3)Acknowledge the enemy but keep your focus on God
4)Pray! (I've taken to at times just thinking "Lord, Kristen!" when I can't think of a specific. I also visualize her healing from head to toe.)

Also pray for the wonderful staff in the ICU. This is not an easy place to work. You see tragedy and heartbreak everyday. God has truly placed a calling in their lives to work here. Also, pray for Elsa the activities director from the pediatric unit. She stops by regularly and offers support.
2)

And Now, The Rest of the Story

Many of you reading this know that I grew up in the country. We listened to country music on the radio and Paul Harvey was a big feature. I loved the Paul Harvey stories where he would say after a break, "And now, the rest of the story." So here is the rest of the story that we didn't tell you from yesterday's Kristen Transplant blog.

I had to have Devin post because I could not shake the awful experience we had around 5:30. During the day they try to not sedate her so much. It's a fine line between her waking and her being conscience enough to squeeze your hand or look at you. Well, Devin and I were leaving for supper (and to respect their 6-8 p.m. no visiting hours). I leaned over to tell Kristen we'd be right back and she sat up with tears in her eyes mouthing please, please. She wanted her Daddy to take the tube out of her mouth. It was horrendous for Devin and I. I immediately lost it and had to move away from the bed. Devin managed to keep his cool until she was calm again. It was only after she was sedated enough that he could let his anguish show. We got back from supper to hear that she'd done this once again. Our hearts were heavy. I'm told that she probably won't remember these incidences. I'm told that they happen to a lot of people that are intubated. The sight of her pleading with her Daddy haunts me even this morning.

Based on where I've read to in my Red Sea Rules. Pray without ceasing that 1)God show Kristen the way thru this illness, 2)That God be glorified through this place we find ourselves.

Weary

I should be getting ready to head to the hospital. Thank God we are in Fayetteville and Devin and I can boost each other up. I can indulge in a little down time. I slept soundly and yet woke up this morning feeling like I needed another nights sleep. We've had a lot to absorb and deal with over the past 24 hours. And it continues as we continue to be in limbo. Tests are being run. The lab is working on cultures. The answers are around the corner but... My adrenaline from yesterday has worn off. Numbness sets in. Devin and I just keep thinking of all the other parents struggling out there. We are not unique. There are families all around the world sitting in hospital rooms worrying and praying for their sick children. It doesn't matter if the child is young or old. I think too about how we tend to not fully appreciate the gift of our children. As we get caught up with the day to day living we forget how empty our world would be without our precious babies. Because we do think of them as our babies even if they are 21 or 17. As I sat with Kristen the past two days, I would think of the first time she had the croup. I would carry her into the bathroom and turn on the steamy shower. And sit there holding her against my chest as the steam worked it's wonders. Sometimes dozing off myself.

I can't tell you how much your emails and text mean to me. Forgive me if I don't always respond. It's at those times when I need them the most. Knowing that your prayers are with us.